A new view on things...

I've just been woken up. Not literally - it's only just 10pm and I haven't been to bed yet - but my mind has been woken up to the way I have been acting recently.

It's strange, but it often takes the view of someone outside looking in to do that. And this is why women need friends. People to talk to who understand the essential problem isn't the problem you are obsessing about, but the fact that you are obsessed. A woman's female friends aren't just there to get drunk with and gossip with, they're also necessary when you need a kick up the butt to get over something.

I'm lucky enough to know a number of such women. I've not met them face to face (yet) and it's doubtful if it will ever happen with a couple of them who live overseas, but when I need support, it's there. When I need a butt kicking, it arrives right on on cue.

Of course I'd love to be able to do the gossip and get drunk thing with them as well - I have no doubt at all in my mind that they'd all be great fun to be with.

Anyway, back to my subject...

I have been acting like the most selfish person. I've been bathing in my self pity, ignoring all the attempts to drag me out of my tub. Well tonight, one of my female friends (who also happens to be a superb writer - funny, we're all excellent writers... I wonder how that happened?)grabbed me by the scruff of my neck, dragged me out of the self pity sea I was wallowing in and slapped me around the face with the Truth.

The List of Truth

1)I am a clever person - I can write and write damn well.

2)I am a nice person.

3)I have a gorgeous guy with a massively bad sense of humour, who is devoted to me.

4)I have two stunning children, who are actually fairly well behaved.

5)I have a pair of beautiful cats who can calm me and cuddle me (well one anyway - when I'm not trying to hoover him!)

6)I am rich in Time and Love - the money is only important when it is necessary and can be got as and when.

7)I have been allowing what has happened in the past control who I am. It is not who I am, Who I am is #1 to 6 above.

8) It is time for me to let go of the things that have happened to me.



#8 is the important one at the moment... I must let go.

Just talking to my friend tonight has lifted a weight from me. I feel lighter and less stressed and fraught. I feel like I can get on with living now.

She gave me a new view on things. I just hope that I can do the same for her or another of my friends one day - pass the good Karma around.

You are more than what has happened to you. Don't let it define you.

She knows who she is.

THANK YOU!!!

I don't believe this...

Life is a nasty woman sometimes. She holds you and cuddles you, but as soon as you make a mistake or disappoint her in some way, she slaps you across the face and swears at you...

Sound familiar?

If you know me, you'll know I've had a bad couple of years with depression and illness. I've been painstakingly hauling myself out of the latest abyss - PND associated with losing a baby a year and a half ago. It's been hard, but for every foot I slip down, I pull myself back up another five.

I thought I was getting somewhere. *sighs*

I'm a Teacher. It's a hard job, difficult and stressful and that's just dealing with the kids and the actual teaching. Add into that, the politicking and paperwork and it's no wonder that Teachers have a high rate of stress related illness, nervous breakdowns and alcoholism. (I know very few teachers who don't have a drink or two at the weekend in an effort to relax properly)

Anyway.

I hauled myself out of the Abyss back in July and thought "Getting working again is going to help me with this. I'll sign up with a couple of Supply Agencies."

I just called them to find out how soon I was likely to get work. One agency said they were happy to start looking for me. Happily, I called the other one... and no, I am not going to tell you who - it's not their fault.... asked them the same question.

"Sorry, we won''t be able to use you."

"Pardon? Why?"

"Head Office have decided that you aren't reliable enough."

I blinked. I could feel tears welling (automatic reaction, a bit like comfort eating) and I had to take a couple of deep breaths. "Excuse me?"

"In your last three references, the schools have said that reliability and sickness were major issues with your work."


I explained what I had gone through in the first two jobs I had - Living away from home for my NQT year, Losing a baby and PND in the first real job I had.

"Sorry, but there isn't anything I can do. We can't use you until they say otherwise. Bye."

So there you have it.

That is the reason I can't get a job - I'm being penalised for being Ill.

Now you can shake your head and say "It isn't like that, they don't really do that."

I have the proof - The Agency woman told me straight - "You've had too much time off sick and you are not reliable enough for us."

It's not her fault - I'm glad she told me, at least I know now...

I am angry though.

I am angry with the bitchy, uncaring HR bastards that have written my references without thinking about their wording. Without thinking "Oh, this might make her depression much much worse if she doesn't get a job, I'd better reword it."

The stupid thing, is that it doesn't matter who I go for a job with - Schools or normal business - they're going to get the same references and come to the same conclusions!

You have no idea how angry I am. I want to march into the schools involved (Cheltenham and Bristol are the main culprits) and shout at them, to punch their lights out and force them at blade point to rewrite my references...

*giggles*

I wouldn't do that though. I'm not vindictive, nasty or even mean. I'm going to take a deep breath, have a cry, have a stiff drink or two to relax (I told you that's how teachers do it) and then I am going to painfully and slowly drag myself out of the mire I find myself in, before I sink through and back into the abyss.

I forgive them their wrongs against me. I even apologise to them for making their lives and jobs harder by being such an awful employee.

I assure you, should I manage to get any Teaching work, I will force myself to work when I am ill, when I am dizzy with vertigo and a possible danger in a workshop. I shall push myself to go into work when I am so deep in despair that I will burst into tears if the most mild eleven year old laughs at me or looks at me in the wrong way.

I will do all my marking late into the night, I will work myself into an early grave if that is what I have to do to mend my reputation and prove that I am not useless.

Excuse me, I need chocolate....

Warning - Moaning Person alert, avoid if you want to...

It's strange how self confidence can suddenly drop out or speed up, especially when you're depressed.

For the last couple of weeks, I'd been feeling a little better about myself. I have a job (well sort of - Freelance Copywriting) and my writing was going well - I've had stories published in three different anthologies recently... (see my website for details!)

I was feeling fairly confident.

Then tonight, I watched "How to Look Good Naked". Don't get me wrong, I adore Gok Wan, his advice has helped no end when I've decided to sort out my wardrobe - I consult his books all the time.

Tonight, it was about a lady who thought she looked thin and boyish, so she hid herself in her clothes. As usual, Gok persuaded her to see herself in a different light by the end of the (5 weeks) show and even though I was happy for her, glad that the lady felt happy with her body... it depressed me no end.

I don't look at myself in the mirror anymore. If I do, I have to be stood up or my mood hits the bottom of the trough really quickly. It doesn't matter how much I follow what Gok says, I look at myself and see a dumpy, fat woman.

A while back, I'd lost a fair bit of weight. I was just under thirteen stone at the beginning of the year.

Well I've put it all back on.

I stopped going to Slimming World because I couldn't afford to pay £5 per week. I didn't stop watching what I ate though and I was still exercising, so the weight pretty much stayed off. Then in April, TOH lost his job. He started junk stuffering because he was depressed and I followed along with him - I'm not sure why.

I stopped walking the kids to school; he would drive us every day. I stopped doing my exercise because I don't like being watched - Normally I exercise on my own or I go to a Gym, or the Pool or a class (other people are too busy with themselves to watch you) - I hate it when someone sits there and watches me exercise (I wouldn't get a personal trainer either) it makes me feel so self conscious.

The weight crept back. My stomach started having problems again (the pain has never totally left, but it was bearable) all of a sudden, I can't eat anything healthy without having really painful gut problems. I went to the doctor and he sent me for tests...

I'm hiding again. I hide behind my physical problems, I hide behind TOH's problems, I hide behind the title of "Mummy"... Most of all, I hide in my Writing. I hide because I can't bear to look at myself, I can't look myself in the eye.

I know that most of this is in my mind. It's my lack of self confidence, lack of will power, whatever you call it, I don't have it. It's the root of my depression. I feel useless and fall into the cycle of thinking "It would all be better if..."

I've read all the things about how to defeat depression. I know what I am supposed to do to lose weight, to look good for myself and my family. Yet I can't do them...

I'm so far down the depression scale, I might as well be underground.

Normally when I'm depressed, I stuff chocolate, cake... anything that usually makes me feel better. But at the moment? I look at the packet of Choc Digestives in the cupboard and feel ill. The flapjacks and carrot cake just doesn't draw me. Nothing tastes right, I eat because I have to - I don't enjoy it. I don't want to eat.

Where can I go from here?

Well, I can go further down. That way lies death - not an option. I might be depressed, but that would mean I wouldn't care about anything or anyone and I still care for my children and TOH.

I can sit here and wallow for a bit. It won't make me feel better - it never does when I am this far into the dark. But I have to wait... wait for the rope to come dangling down the tunnel to pull me out. What it'll be, I don't know. When it'll happen... well, picture me shrugging, coz I have no idea.

I'll wait - help is out there and will be coming for me, I just have to hold onto that hope.

Gasp! The House is tidy!

I'm currently in shock...

We've spent the last week sorting, shredding and filing the buildup of paper that had occurred in the house. Five large boxes crammed with fifteen years worth of paper. That created one black sack of shredded paper for each year we've been together and two boxes of things we have to keep...

I tell ya, the recycling men had a shock and a half on Friday when we put out the first eight bags. We had to reassure them that it wasn't a wind up!

But it's not just that.

We've moved the computer down to the end of our "Dining Room", shifted the bookcases around, got rid of a lot of stuff and essentially cleared a lot of stuff away. I cleaned the kitchen (you'll need shades to go in there) and did the washing up (we'll have a fixed dishwasher by Tuesday)... I even managed to clean the cooker!
It means that my writing has suffered a little - I haven't done as much as I should have done, but when Life happens, you can't just ignore it!

I do feel a lot better for it though. It's a useful exercise - I got rid of a lot of physical and emotional baggage while I was shredding. The house is clean, my psyche has been cleaned up a little as well.

Now I am ready to get moving on my own work - writing and crafting. I have a novel to get ready for December and a whole slew of Christmas presents to do.

Wish me luck!

Funny what you find on Amazon...

One of my friends from Webook - MJ Heiser has recently achieved the state which so many of us are struggling / longing to reach - she has become a PUBLISHED Author!

*pauses for Cheers and Applause*

Her book, Corona, is a stunning Fantasy set on the world of Jaenrye. It is one that I am desperate to own, but I had thought it would only be on the US version of Amazon. I did a little digging and found this on the UK version of Amazon -

Corona by MJ Heiser

I immediately put it on my wish list, so that ANY FAMILY that might read this can ACCESS and BUY it for me... (hint, hint)

Then I noticed the line "2 new from £10.12 ; 1 used from £14.61 ". This shocked me. Corona has only been out since May - it hasn't quite cooled from the press yet, how could someone buy the book, read it and sell it again as a used copy?!!!?!!!!?

But there it is - being sold for nearly fifteen quid! You could have knocked me down with a feather...

Okay, now we get to the real reason I am yapping about this. If anyone from the UK wants to read Corona (and believe me, it's worth buying!) please buy the proper copy! MJ Deserves your support!

Besides - a brand new copy will cost you less than the second hand one! *grins*

Drumroll Please... And the Blog Award goes to...

ME! Apparently... well, okay, I'm getting a little carried away there. Sorry.

Actually I did get the Blog Award (See the nice piccies under my mugshot?) from two of my fellow writers and bloggers - Noelle Pierce and T.L. Tyson !

Thank you for that, Ladies!

I’m not entirely sure why they did it (possibly an attempt to bribe me for the next FSS Contest…*grins*) but I am grateful they enjoy my writing and my Contest that much!

Now according to the Rules of the Awards I have to do a couple of things...

"Rules? What Rules?"

These Ones:

Here are the rules of the awards:

1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you this award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Pass the award along to 15 bloggers who you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic for whatever reason! (In no particular order…)

4. Contact the bloggers you’ve picked and let them know about the award.

So what's up next? Ah, yes, Seven things about me... Hmm - tricky! How do I avoid being boring?

1) I’m a Map Writer – no, not a Map Reader, a Map Writer…

Every story I write longer than 1000 words will get a map drawn for it. They help me understand the place and the people my characters interact with. The maps also allow me to go back to that world to write different stories.

2) I’m a simple person at heart, almost a child in my ability to trust and love people.

Be nice to me and you’ll get nice back. Be nasty and I will ignore you forever… I mean it.

3) I love Dragons.

I'm not joking when I say this. I love reading about them, drawing them, collecting them. I do believe that they are real - they've just gone into hiding so Humans won't hunt them anymore, like the Unicorns and Fae.

4) I like to write Speculative Fiction.

Speculative Fiction, for those who don't know is Fantasy, Science Fiction, Paranormal, Horror... anything that is the product of a fertile imagination - which I have in an over abundance!

5) I have a Rainbow and a Cub in my house.

That's right - The Princess Terrorist became an Official Rainbow this week (despite having been on the list since she was eight months old and attending since she was old enough to walk.) and will be parading in the Arena at the Scout and Guide Fair on Saturday... as will Number One Son, who has joined Cubs recently and will also be parading.

6) I have been engaged for fifteen years.

Pick your jaws up off the floor - The Other Half and I have known each other since University. We got engaged in 1995 (he proposed in the pub) and I have been planning the festivities ever since. However, due to a number of events (both happy and sad) in the intervening years, we've been unable to get enough money together for even a tiny wedding. So we're still engaged...

7) I have been writing seriously for two years.

And in that time, I have made so many friends, all over the world that it would be impossible to thank them all on any acknowledgments page I could put into a book.

They have all had an impact on my writing, be it through refining my work; encouraging me to carry on writing when life got tough; cheering for me when I manage to get stories published or commiserating when I got rejected.

Thank you to everyone!

Now I get to have a bit of fun and award some genuinely brilliant blogs, a very well deserved award!

Poppet's Imagination Captivation - This is the blog of a superb writer, a knowledgeable and wonderful person and someone who has inspired and encouraged me for a long time.

Uphill Writing - Rik Scott is one of my favourite bloggers. He has helped and encouraged my writing from day one of knowing him on Webook. He is a brilliant creative writing teacher and a good friend.

Spirit Lights the Way - Nancy has a unique blog, one that is calming for the soul and thought provoking for the mind. This is a blog for first thing in the morning, to prepare yourself for the day ahead.

The Right Brain Ramblings - Okay, so she gave me the award in the first place, but T. L. has so many blogs, I sometimes wonder how she remembers which one she is supposed to be writing that day! *grins* This particular one brightens and entertains...

Angels and Demons and Portals. Oh My! - J.A.Souders is another of my favourite bloggers. She is direct and honest - but is kind and caring with it. An agented writer, she fully deserves to be published and yet she spends her time helping the rest of us get an agent!

Tel's Talk - Terri Nixon is one of the first writers I met when I started out on the net. She's had some tough times, but has kept writing all the way through. I admire her as a person and love her work.

The Inimitable M - A hard working writer and publisher, Maggie is someone that I admire for being so strong and capable. We also share a cat (name) - my favourite orange and white moggie is named Gizmo. Maggie's little Cabana boy is nameed Gizmo - coincidence nes pas?

The Pat Black Experience - is just that - an experience not to be missed. Pat is an entertaining writer with an intelligence and dark comedy that begs to be published.

Godchecker GodBlog - Godchecker.com is my absolute favourite website. I can spend hours on there researching different gods, demons, saints, angels etc... So when they announced the creation of the GodBlog, it quickly became another stop on my weekly Blog Run.

Grumbles and Grins by Karen Bessey Pease - This is a relatively new Blog Run Stop for me, as I have only just met her via Slush Pile Reader. I can however recommend her Maine humour and charm as a damn good reason to read her blog!

The Writing of Dean Wesley Smith - Another new stop on my Blog Run, it's one of the best and most informative places I have been so far. Well worth a read!

Simon's Writing - I am... - Okay, it's not strictly a blog, but Simon Betterton is a fascinating person. He's off to Hong Kong (I think) soon and I hope he has a good time, because boy, am I jealous!

Joanne Ellis - Another Writer's website but one I think that regular Blog Runners would like. Read and enjoy!

Children's Circle - Here you can find stories that have been written by the Genius that is Sir Terry Pratchett and compiled by Steve Cohen, the editor of Bucks Free Press. I'll leave you to explore and enjoy the site, it's a fun one!

M.J. Heiser - One of several people who I would like to claim as a friend in person, she has encouraged my writing ambitions since we met on Webook and she was undiscovered. Of course, she's been discovered now, so she's slightly ahead of me - but never fear, I will catch her up!

And that's about it - I'm going to post this on my Website Blog as well; Noelle gave me the award for my website, T.L. gave it to me for this blog, so I have to answer both!

*grins insanely and shakes her head*

The things I have to do to make myself and my friends feel good - are worth doing well!

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My Garden

Growing things is so satisfying. I love getting my hands dirty and planting up pots and things. Unfortunately, pots are the limit of my garden because our landlord has the whole back yard decked.

That's not a problem though (although I often wish I didn't have to *buy* my soil), I enjoy the whole process of potting up something new and I often find an excuse to re-pot other plants, just to extend the experience.

Currently my potted garden looks brilliant! I have Sunflowers blooming (they need re-potting though) and Strawberries trying to take over the garden with their runners. My Lavender plant is going potty (I need to re-pot it again I think!)in front of Daniel's red Acer.

In the only proper planting bed I have, I've rescued a Pansy, a Primrose and a Jasmine from death on the compost heap and although they are attacked by slugs and snails, they are still trying to bloom!
I have a Mint plant and another herb attempting to shove each other out of the bed, a Potato Plant (Maybe I'll get potatoes this year) and my Sweet Pea plant is going crazy and trying to overtake the Ivy that was in there originally.

I'm already reaping the rewards for growing things - my strawberries have given me three days worth of breakfast already and they are still going. I'm hoping that the Sunflowers will produce lots of seeds because I want to dry roast them and use them as a snack over the winter.

I'm not the only one growing things though. P.T brought a plant home from school in the spring, so I re-potted it and now we have pods being produced from black and white flowers that the bumble bees adore. Both children have also grown Runner Bean Plants for the Barnados school competition - they didn't win; the school winner from year Four was 1 m 59 cm - but they had fun and assuming I can get a big pot, enough compost and some bamboo canes soon, we'll have runner beans to eat as well!

I want to get a pair of Patio Fruit Trees for next year. I have an apple tree that I grew from seed, but it's struggling to get any bigger and I'm not sure what's wrong. It's never produced any flowers either. I'm going to get another Apple tree and a Pear tree. I'd like a Patio Rose bush as well, sadly though, I have a dangerous habit of killing roses off - I can't even keep an indoor rose alive!

I can call myself an amateur gardener I think. There's lots of things that I want to do, but they'll have to wait until I have a garden of my own to love.

Mother Nature - She is wonderful!

Every once in a while, I get re-awoken to the wonder of the world around me. We went shopping today and on the way back, we took the scenic route through the back roads around Dinas Powys.

The sun shone down on rolling green fields, the birds were singing in the trees that we passed through and the sky was bright blue with high brushstrokes of cirrus cloud. It really was the most beautiful summer's day.

Then as we went around a roundabout, I looked up at a cloud and spotted a rainbow cloud. All of the others were white. This one was rainbow striped. I did a double take. I wound down the window and stuck my head out, almost losing it to a passing van.

It was still a Rainbow Striped Cloud.

"Daniel, am I seeing things or is that cloud coloured?" I asked.

He glanced up as we came to a junction. "Yup. It's a rainbow cloud."

We discussed what had caused it to be rainbow coloured. Refracting light through ice crystals, the angle we were at to be able to see it, the size and shape of the ice crystals... It doesn't matter how much I understand about the process of creating a rainbow, seeing one always fills me with wonder.

And this Rainbow Striped Cloud caused more wonder than normal. Each colour faded delicately through the different hues, the brushstroke structure of the cirrus cloud making it look like Mother Nature had been experimenting with the sky colour and couldn't decide which colour to choose.

I began looking at things in detail again.

Have you ever studied a leaf from underneath when the sun is shining through it? The fine veins that run out from the main structure join together in a web that a spider would be proud of.

The seeds on a ripening strawberry turn red first then fade as the fruit itself reddens. At one point the strawberry is green with red spots!

Have you smelt a Sweet Pea flower recently? Its scent is so strong it feels like the smell is coating your throat with honey, you can taste the nectar - no wonder the bees like them!

I even looked at my sunflower blooms closely. The head of a sunflower is actually made up of a hundred or so tiny flowers surrounded by the bigger petals. Each tiny flower makes a single seed and that in itself is a wonder of nature.

Colours are everywhere; green predominantly, but yellow; white; pink and red... blue; purple; orange; all the hues and shades between. Mother Nature loves her colours.

And I love Mother Nature.

That Rainbow Cloud will stick in my mind for a long time. I wish I'd had a camera with me so I could show it to you, but you'll have to make do with my memory in words.

I just hope it's enough.

Concentration - what concentration?

When my head feels like this, it's hard to concentrate on anything. It isn't a headache as such, just a vague overall throb that seems to worsen my mood and make me incredibly irritable.

It might be because I'm running out of medication. I had four tablets left yesterday and had to make the decision to cut my dose in half, taking one tablet instead of the two I am supposed to have.

It might be because I was woken up by the kids twice last night. It might be because a thunderstorm is on its way or because I haven't exercised yet today.

It might even be because of the computer - although normally I only get a headache from being in a roomful of the plaguey things.

Whatever the reason, it's annoying.

I'm really in the mood to write. I've managed 200 words in just under three hours - although a lot of that time was spent on research and bumming around on the net. The Bog Boy story has really opened up and is moving along. I want to write more on the game of Writer's Tag I am playing in Slushpile Reader. I have a job application form to finish and get out before monday.

But the headache is sitting there and laughing at me. Every so often, I think it has gone away. I take a deep breath and try and concentrate. As soon as I do that, it peeks out from behind my brain, taps the back of my eyes and the front of my skull simultaneously and shouts "I'm still here!"

I've taken some Co-Codamol, with a third mug of coffee in an attempt to persuade the headache that a) my skull is not where it really wants to be, and b) to go and bother someone else.
I normally only drink two cups of coffee a day - three is a bad day, if I get to four or more, it's time for me to go into hibernation, because it'll be less messy and easier for everyone else.

I am contemplating another cup of coffee...

The headache is contemplating moving down to my shoulders. Maybe I ought to go out for a walk, get some fresh air. Maybe that would... too late.

That's it, I can't stand it any more - where's the tramadol!

I wonder what I'll do this week.

I wonder what to do this week,
I really wonder what,
I look at the white space in my diary,
And I really don't care a jot,
That I don't have any coffee mornings,
Parties or Bar-be-ques,
To fill my hours with meaningless babble,
About what wine to choose.

I wonder what to do this week,
Should I go here or there?
Should I go down to the beach,
Would the beach really care?
If I didn't visit for a while,
And sit upon the rocks,
Watching the sea flow up the shore,
And the shore just shrug it off.

I wonder what to do this week?
Does my Keyboard call?
Is my Bead Loom all that lonely?
Should I let the washing up stall?
What could I do with the time I have?
Where could I go?
Who could I meet on the way?
Will I ever know?

I wonder what to do this week?
I guess I'll just let time flow,
Past me from the future,
And watch it slip and slow,
Over the Rocks of Unplanned Events,
Dammed behind the Logs of What I need to do,
Into a Pool of No.

(c) Mandy Ward, 13th June 2010

Hmmm - I look like a Jelly! DO - OVER!

I weighed myself the other day. I had to do a double take at the read out - 13st 11lbs! EEk!

First came Denial - "I couldn't possibly weigh that much"

Then Anger - "I can't weigh that much! It's not fair!"

Then Shifting Blame - "It's all TOH's fault, him and his insistence on driving everywhere."

Then I thought about it a bit more and got Depressed - "It's my fault for not being in control of what I put in my mouth. I'm sooo stupid!"

After a day of ignoring it and stuffing myself with comfort food, I went to bed and slept on it.

When I woke up this morning, Acceptance had set in. I looked at myself in the mirror. I look like a badly set jelly. I don't mind the stretchmarks, but I wish they weren't so noticeable. It's my arms and thighs that I hate the most - they look like a 50 year old's and I'm only 35 this year!

So I gave the kids their breakfast, made TOH a cup of tea in bed and got out the exercise kit.

I decided to try something new.

Belly Dancing.

I have a Belly Dancing DVD - I've had it for ages and this morning, I thought it was about right. Gentle enough to not hurt and energetic enough to burn some calories.

I was sweating like a pig by the time I got half way through and that was mostly from trying to hold the basic posture - I wasn't even aware that I had abs until I had to suck the flab in!

I did an hour of the basic moves and then ten minutes of a Cindy Crawford DVD as a cool down. I will probably ache all over tomorrow...

But I feel good about myself for the first time since I was rejected at the job interview. I didn't realise quite how badly that rejection had knocked me down. That's the thing with Depression, you see, you become very good at putting on a good face for other people.

Sometimes that helps, because if you are smiling on the outside, it works its way inside. But it also hinders. I find that I sometimes find that I hide how I am feeling from myself as well and it's only when I pull up out of the trough, that I realise how bad I was feeling.

For the past 2 weeks, I have been at the bottom of a trough. I haven't looked after myself at all. My hair was grungy, I was wearing horrible clothes and even when I went out, I looked bad. My mood has been horrendous and I've actually felt ill.

After exercising this morning, I had a shower. I scrubbed and rubbed and cleansed myself from top to toe.

It felt good.

I slathered on body lotion and did my face properly. I dried and styled my hair. And suddenly I knew I'd been slumped at the bottom of a depressive trough.

Between them, the scales and the exercise had been instrumental in picking me up again. I can smile again without it being forced or feel uncomfortable on my face, like an ill fitting Swimming Costume.

So right here and now, I'm calling a Do - Over.

I'm not aiming for a Bikini Body. I don't want to run a marathon or take part in a Triathlon (Way too much work involved to get that fit) but I do want to tone up and get rid of the one thing which has been the bane of my life for the past ten years.

Depression!

I am fed up with the mood slumps, the negativity and the self destruction. I am fed up with being someone who isn't fit for any kind of job at all. I want to be me again.

And so the chaos begins...

It's the 7th June. That means that we have six months and seventeen days until "C" Day.

Don't worry I won't actually mention the "C" word until after my birthday - official family custom, don'tcha know...

But because of my current financial... situation... I am finding that I have to think about "C" Gifts extra early.

Now a lot of my family, when you mention "C", say that we shouldn't bother with it this year, it's better not to think about "C" gifts for anyone except the Kids this year. I hate it when they say that, especially because I know that a lot of them don't really mean it.

I'm getting in on the act early and I'm giving it the really personal touch - I'm making as many of my "C" Gifts as I possibly can. This way they'll be unique and relatively inexpensive...

It does mean that I have to spend out to buy the materials, but on the flipside, I enjoy doing this kind of crafting and I like to think that the gifts that I will be giving out, will be enjoyed all the more for the effort that I put into them.

Or at least I hope so.

I'm also going to be making Christmas cards for those close to me and using up the ones I had left over from last year in the process. So if you regularly get a card from me - expect the unexpected...I can't guarantee that they'll stay together you see!

"C" day should be a time for Family and Friends. I'm hoping that this year it will be. I'm not sure how yet, but I'm a'workin' on it... *grins*

My Hobbies...

I'm a Design and Technology Teacher by training. What this means in reality is that I'm never far from a pencil and paper (handy for my other career that) and I am always in the midst of a project.

I've made quite a few things: Cushion covers, Nightlight holders, picture frames, knitted hats, earrings, bracelets, brooches and badges, are just some of them. I can make things out of wood, metal and plastic, but that requires a few more tools than I have at home currently, so I tend to stick to jewellery and textiles at home.

Oh for a proper workshop / studio...

Anyway. I thought that I would tell you about my current obsession. It's linked to my passion for making jewellery and came from my studying of Jewellery magazines.

One of the magazines I get is "Make Jewellery". Issue 6 had a feature on Bead Weaving - I went to Hobbycraft, picked up the bits and pieces and was hooked.

The first thing I tried was a daisy chain bracelet - didn't come out very well though. Then I browsed my local Library (not just for fiction - although I did that as well) and found "The Encyclopedia of Beading Techniques" by S. Withers and S. Burnham - I found out about all the different stitches you can do (brilliant book that - well worth buying) so I attempted a Square Stitched Cuff. That turned out better; but not brilliant.

I browsed the internet and found - http://www.free-beading-patterns.com - I tried the Warrior Pattern, a Sioux Feather pattern combined with a design of my own, added a fringe and made a choker. It's much better than either of my first two efforts - looks almost professional!



It's gone a bit further than just hand stitching now though...

The Encyclopedia and the websites mentioned Looms. So the next time I went to Hobbycraft (I can't stay away from the place) I bought a simple wire one. Just setting it up was a challenge - thankfully the Encyclopedia had nice clear instructions (much better than the ones in the box with the loom) and it only took me three hours!

*rolls eyes*

The first pattern I attempted was another combination of the Warrior pattern and a design based on an alphabet I found on the beading patterns website - I love that website as much as I do my own - and decided to make a wristband for Number One Son.

So far, it hasn't turned out too bad.




I wonder what I'll try out next? Maybe something from the Knitting Magazine I picked up the other day? Or maybe the sundress in the Sewing Magazine from last week? Maybe I'll go back to Glass Painting, although that would mean another trip to Hobbycraft - I haven't got any materials for that...

Ah... so that's what the week had in store for me!

Memo to me - NEVER finish a blog post with "I wonder what next week has in store for me?"

I ended my last post with that. I started this week with the full intention of working properly on my writing career - blogs, online presence, WIP, short story, housework, e-mail etc - everything was prioritised and went down on my To-Do-List.

Maybe that was a mistake as well?

The To-Do-List, I mean.

Ah well...

The Terrible Twosome (aka my kids) had a wonderful week to start with - they got to go to their childminder on tuesday (I swear they love her more than me) and it's the end of term, so their school has been doing all sorts of fun things!

Unfortunately the Princess-Terrorist (my daughter) appears to be going through a bit of a phase. She's arguing with anything and everything. I love her dearly, but when she is constantly arguing and being cheeky / talking back to me and the Other Half (aka my partner) it gets a bit noisy...
Especially as Number One Son is also having problems. He seems to be sliding back into being eight, rather than going forward into being ten like the rest of his class.

So combine those two phases with a lot of "being out of work" stress from me and "I don't know what to do with my life" stress from the Other Half, you get a pretty good picture of what this week has been like in the Tiger Princess Household...

...Noisy...

I had hoped that everything would calm down today. Then I remembered that we are due to visit the Grandmother-In-Law (hereafter known as GIL) in Bristol today. That's not a bad thing, you understand, but it's always a tiring day.
GIL is ninety. She loves her grandson and her great-grandchildren, but as Grandfather-In-Law (hereafter known as Bampi - mostly so that I don't get confused) is also ninety and has Alzheimer's; he can't be left alone with the simplest task (Bampi gets confused easily and forgets what he is supposed to be doing), so GIL has to supervise him almost constantly.

Add the Terrible Twosome to the mix and you have a Very Tiring Day for me.

VTG's mean that I often don't get much done. This is why I started writing at 8:00pm on a Saturday morning, when I should be snuggled under my duvet with OH, listening to the rain hit the window pane and contemplating a late breakfast...

*yawns*

I need more coffee before I do anything else today - I'll see y'all tomorrow...

The Princess, the Glue Gun and Butterflies...

I've talked about my children before. My son is bright, Games Console mad and having problems with his learning difficulties at school. My daughter is bright, attention seeking and a Princess-Terrorist.

Well today was "Butterfly Day" at school.

Let me just explain that properly.

One of the projects that the Reception age children do, is to raise butterflies from caterpillars.
Then once they are ready to be released, the children dress up as butterflies or caterpillars for the day and they let the butterflies go in the school garden.

At the beginning of the week we received a letter from the teachers informing us that "Butterfly Day" would probably be on on Friday as one of their Chrysalis were moving.

Note the key word there - probably

I asked my daughter what she wanted to be.

"I want to be the Prettiest Butterfly at school." she told me firmly.

We looked through her costumes. The only one with wings on was her white Christmas Fairy outfit.

"That's not a Butterfly, it's a Fairy." She said and looked up at me batting her eyelashes, hands clasped at her waist and head tilted to the right. "You can make me some butterfly wings, can't you, Mummy?"

Remember I called her a Princess-Terrorist? Well, that's the "Princess" look.

I thought I had plenty of time, so I agreed that I would make her some butterfly wings.

I bumbled through the beginning of the week, getting job applications out, doing washing... you know, the usual stuff.

Then Wednesday, the note came home.

Butterfly Day will be on Friday. The Children can come as a Butterfly, a Caterpillar or in brightly coloured clothes.

"Mummy, have you made my Butterfly Wings yet?"

"Not yet, sweetie. What colours do you want me to make them?" I was hoping that she'd just say one or two colours.

"I want to be a Painted Lady Butterfly, like the ones at school. They have lots of different colours."

*pause for internal scream of irritation*

"Not pink then?"

"Pink and orange and green and yellow and red and blue and silver and gold... all the colours of the rainbow!"

I shrugged. How hard could it be? I had two days, enough paint and craft stuff around to do it with. Easy. "Okay Rainbow colours it is then."

Fast Forward to Thursday Evening. I had spent most of Thursday twisting wire into shape, sticking paper onto the wire and painting it. I picked the wings up to check if they were dry and pushed my thumb straight through the paper.

Damn...

Rip the paper off, start again with felt. Sigh.

It was gone midnight on Thursday when I went to bed. I had threads from the glue gun all over my hands, sequins scattered through my clothes and scraps of felt in my hair.

But they were finished...



















Today was also the school's open day. Because I didn't get to bed until late, I overslept. The kids were late to school and we missed getting a seat in the hall for the opening speech of the Head Teacher.

The School is pretty proud of itself - and it should be! Rhws got an Outstanding on their Estyn report, so the school was covered with bunting and balloons.

As soon as we got to Kiah's classroom to look around, she grabbed onto us and wouldn't let go. I saw the whole quad - pretend area, the four Guinea Pigs, the painting area, the sand - then we saw her classroom.

The Butterflies were being blown on by the other children to make them flutter - I felt rather sorry for them and was glad that they would be released soon.
After a paper spring Caterpillar and some glitter on a painted butterfly, we managed to extricate ourselves to go and visit my son.

My son is in Year 4. He and a friend were making a box kite.

He just had to choose the most difficult design of the ones he was given, didn't he...

So Daniel hunkers down to "Help"... I spent a bit of time talking to a few people I hadn't seen for a while, talked to my Son's Teacher then went back to my Daughter. She painted me a picture and then had to go for Snack Time. So I went back to my Son.

And found Daniel still "Helping".

What is it about Kites that makes men weak at the knees? I had to physically drag him away so I could get to the doctors!

And that's been my week... I wonder what next week has in store for me?

Update on my Writing Life...

I've said before that I am a writer. I stopped writing about it on my blog because I started my own website and decided to blog about writing on there. This blog became my personal blog... hence my last post talking about my cats!

The thing is, writing is my life. I might have kids and be a teacher and make jewellery, but everything that is ME is bound up in my writing. When it's going well, I'm a pleasure to live with; sunny, happy and content. When it's going badly, I'm more like a storm cloud; dark, gloomy and liable to spark thunder and lightning at any moment.

Recently, I've not been doing a great deal of writing. I'm currently trying my hardest to find a teaching job for September and the search is getting harder. I have to use the time that I would be using to write, to fill out application forms and search through the jobs that are available.

When I can't stand the PC anymore, I go off and make things - jewellery mostly, although I did branch out into knitting. It changes my view of life and I can relax a little.

Anyway, a quick update on what has been going on...

My Flash Story Showcase Contest (FSS Contest for short) has taken off. In the first month I had four entries. In the second, I had six. This month, I have had the prompt up for two days and I have six entries already!

This is an exciting, worrying and entertaining - I get to read some superb stories and decide who has written the best one. Last month I couldn't decide who was the winner, so I put them both up - go take a look!

http://mandyeward.weebly.com/flash-story-showcase.html

If you are interested in entering this month the prompt is here - http://mandyeward.weebly.com/fss-contest-prompt.html

The Contest Guidelines are here - http://mandyeward.weebly.com/fss-contest-guidelines.html

I'd be glad to see you!

I'm currently a Guest Blogger on Richard W. Scott's Blog - Uphill Writing. I decided to do a series of pieces on the writing rules that successful writers use.

My first three pieces.. it's up at the moment - http://uphillwriting.org/2010/05/09/inspired-by-writers-pt-1/ if you are interested in reading my ramblings...of course you are - you wouldn't be reading this if you weren't!

Ahem... back to the point.

My first three pieces looked at Terry Brooks and David & Leigh Edding's rules to produce a good story / novel. I was then asked to expand on Terry Brook's rules, so I am doing that at the moment... funny how blogging for yourself gets in the way of writing anything for anyone else!

I tried my hand at Erotica Stories and failed miserably, but confirmed something to myself that was incredibly important to me - my path in writing lies through the gently rolling hills of the Young Adult / Fantasy / SF genres. Even my Horror writing is soft enough for YA, so that is the direction that I will be going in.

I suppose I have to now decide what pen name to use, Kira Morgana or A.E. Churchyard. I suppose I could use my real name, but I want to try and keep my Writing Career separate from my Teaching Career.

So I suppose what I am really thinking about at the moment is who am I? I'm a Teacher when I am in a School, a Mother and partner most of the rest of the time. The small amount of time I have left for myself, I have to squeeze writing, jewellery making, exercising and relaxing into...

*shrugs*

Just call me "Superwoman."

Forget Planet of the Apes!

That’s it!

Gizmo is definitely a Springer Spaniel in disguise. Not only does he sit at my feet and beg for scraps (he loves cooked chicken and tuna) with his eyes like one, he also retrieves his jingly ball, carries it to the opposite end of the room and starts playing with it!

There is nothing quite so funny as a huge ginger and white cat carrying a fluorescent pink jingly ball around in his mouth!

Cleo watches him with an incredulous set to her ears. She is very clearly saying:“You are not my brother! I’m not having anything to do with you until you stop acting like a kitten.”

How people can think that cats are just animals is beyond me. They might not be able to speak English, but they can communicate with us.

Gizmo has a meow and a purr that mean he wants attention; he tells me to turn the bathroom tap on so he can drink with a look; he even has a particular setting to his whiskers when he wants to play!

Cats could take over the world. In fact, I think they already have…think about it for a second or two…

We feed, medicate and clean up behind them. We give them treats and toys; attention and scratch posts. All they have to do is look cute and fluffy, make us feel happy and Sleep.

Where’s the downside?

Just you wait – the day that cats learn to use a can opener, open a cupboard door and turn a tap for themselves – the human race is done for!

Forget Planet of the Apes – it’s going to be Planet of the Cats!

Spring in Rhoose.

We've had some beautiful weather recently - it makes it a little difficult to imagine the Volcano in Iceland, but I'm enjoying it all the more for that reason.

Walking the kids to and from school has been inspiring - I've written two poems in three days!

I thought you might like to see them.

_______________________________________________

Spring Sunshine

The humble fuzzy bumble bee,

Buzzing ‘round the flowering tree.

Sipping Nectar here and there,

Delivering pollen everywhere.

The elegant fluttering butterfly,

Hovers o’er flowers nearby,

Delicately tasting from each bloom,

Feeling no need to rush or zoom.

As the sunshine brings the sky to life,

Stop to look and forget your strife.

Remember peace is always near,

When you stop to look and hear.

___________________________________________________________

Spring Colours

Green tipped brown,

Reaches to blue.

Gold smiles down,

At white peeping through.

Yellow and pink,

Compete for the eye.

Red wins the day,

Looking up at the sky.

_________________________________________________________

I hope that you like them and they give you a sense of what I see when I wander about the village.

My Photography skills aren't the best and I have an old digital camera that doesn't get the fine detail properly, no matter what I do with Photoshop!

I love spring sunshine and sea air - the scent of the salt in the wind brings back memories of my childhood and relaxes me almost as much as sitting on the sea shore.

I wish I had a laptop so that I could find a warm sheltered spot in the sunshine and write outside. I'm sure that I would get a lot more done!

I hope that you're enjoying spring where you are... what is it like for you?

New Year Catch-up

Yes I know I haven't been on here for a while. I've been busy setting up my own website on weebly. I blog there most often, but I will come here every so often.

It's www.mandyeward.weebly.com if anyone is interested.

Hmm - catch up time...

I've managed to publish 4 stories since christmas. And now all my friends and family are saying "When's the book coming out?" - they mean Heir of the Dragon of course. To placate them a little, I have sent off one of my rhyming children's stories to Little Tiger Press - "Where are my Socks?" its called.

Heir on the other hand is being re-written from a novella into a novel. I've done the prologue (with a little help from Poppet) chapter one and two - I'm working on chapter one at the moment. Its sorta fun. I get to rearrange the story, increase various character's parts and attempt to make it a tighter read.
However, I am not having fun with my editing. I still don't get editing properly, which is why I get help from Poppet and JAM and all the others on my favourite websites. I much prefer to create.

So there we are - all caught up. And if the financial situation I am in continues, my writing will suffer - because I'll have to go back to Teaching and believe me, it's hard to be a creative writer when you have to write reports on unruly pupils etc...

Fear of the Unknown.

Recently I asked a Psychologist friend on Authonomy why I sabotage myself in my writing and my diet. She said that I'm scared of what will happen when I am successful in whatever endeavour I am dealing with.

Then on Webook this morning another friend said in her WTF -

"If you are not already living the life of your dreams . . . what's stopping you?

For most people, it's fear. People are afraid to do what they want to do because (a) it might piss someone off; (b) they might fall flat on their face; or (c) they don't feel empowered to make decisions for themselves.

If fear is holding you back, repeat after me, "Boats are safe in harbor, but that's not what boats are for." Then, dive into your dreams!"

So what am I scared of?

I thought hard about it, for most of my morning swim in fact, and decided that both of them were right. I'm scared of following my writing dreams because I'm scared of rejection - yet rejection is part of being a Writer. I've had a couple of short stories accepted for anthologies and e-zines but I am terrified of sending anything bigger out.

I don't know why I am scared of losing weight. I suspect that the reason is held a lot deeper than my writing fears and it will need to be addressed through counseling - thankfully I have an appointment on Friday so that should help.

Deep thoughts...