Hmmm - I look like a Jelly! DO - OVER!

I weighed myself the other day. I had to do a double take at the read out - 13st 11lbs! EEk!

First came Denial - "I couldn't possibly weigh that much"

Then Anger - "I can't weigh that much! It's not fair!"

Then Shifting Blame - "It's all TOH's fault, him and his insistence on driving everywhere."

Then I thought about it a bit more and got Depressed - "It's my fault for not being in control of what I put in my mouth. I'm sooo stupid!"

After a day of ignoring it and stuffing myself with comfort food, I went to bed and slept on it.

When I woke up this morning, Acceptance had set in. I looked at myself in the mirror. I look like a badly set jelly. I don't mind the stretchmarks, but I wish they weren't so noticeable. It's my arms and thighs that I hate the most - they look like a 50 year old's and I'm only 35 this year!

So I gave the kids their breakfast, made TOH a cup of tea in bed and got out the exercise kit.

I decided to try something new.

Belly Dancing.

I have a Belly Dancing DVD - I've had it for ages and this morning, I thought it was about right. Gentle enough to not hurt and energetic enough to burn some calories.

I was sweating like a pig by the time I got half way through and that was mostly from trying to hold the basic posture - I wasn't even aware that I had abs until I had to suck the flab in!

I did an hour of the basic moves and then ten minutes of a Cindy Crawford DVD as a cool down. I will probably ache all over tomorrow...

But I feel good about myself for the first time since I was rejected at the job interview. I didn't realise quite how badly that rejection had knocked me down. That's the thing with Depression, you see, you become very good at putting on a good face for other people.

Sometimes that helps, because if you are smiling on the outside, it works its way inside. But it also hinders. I find that I sometimes find that I hide how I am feeling from myself as well and it's only when I pull up out of the trough, that I realise how bad I was feeling.

For the past 2 weeks, I have been at the bottom of a trough. I haven't looked after myself at all. My hair was grungy, I was wearing horrible clothes and even when I went out, I looked bad. My mood has been horrendous and I've actually felt ill.

After exercising this morning, I had a shower. I scrubbed and rubbed and cleansed myself from top to toe.

It felt good.

I slathered on body lotion and did my face properly. I dried and styled my hair. And suddenly I knew I'd been slumped at the bottom of a depressive trough.

Between them, the scales and the exercise had been instrumental in picking me up again. I can smile again without it being forced or feel uncomfortable on my face, like an ill fitting Swimming Costume.

So right here and now, I'm calling a Do - Over.

I'm not aiming for a Bikini Body. I don't want to run a marathon or take part in a Triathlon (Way too much work involved to get that fit) but I do want to tone up and get rid of the one thing which has been the bane of my life for the past ten years.

Depression!

I am fed up with the mood slumps, the negativity and the self destruction. I am fed up with being someone who isn't fit for any kind of job at all. I want to be me again.