High, Creep and Uselessness

I’m apologising now.  I swore, several months ago that I would look at everything positively, but today I can’t – for more than one reason.  If you don’t want to read further, then go away and come back tomorrow.

Physically, I am feeling ill.  Why?  Well, this poem I wrote this morning should explain it a little better than I can articulate at the moment…

High?

Head spinning, stomach churning,
I try my best to walk upstairs.
Is this really preferable to being blue?
To wondering what I should do?

Prescription in, just have to wait,
Breakfast gurgles in my tummy.
Will I really be this sick?
If I stop the tablets quick?

I remember the feeling of High,
Staring at the stars and trees.
Colours melding, sounds so thrilling,
I could listen for hours to dentists drilling.

I wish my tablets would take me there,
I wish they could be nice, not nasty.
When I came down from being free,
I felt good from what I'd seen.

But Anti-depressants just even you out,
They take you from black to grey.
They don't let you see the world,
In the way it was first unfurled.

Tears come easily when I'm down,
The lack of drug making me iller.
Why can't they at least try,
to make the come down feel like a High?

I hate taking the anti-depressants; sadly they are the only thing that is keeping me sane (I think) and when I don’t take them, I feel like I have a hangover.  A proper, three-whole-bottles-of–white–wine hangover, you know how that feels; the room spins, you feel like throwing up, you can’t walk straight and your eyes blur and seem to cross of their own accord.  I get the shivers as well and a headache – and it doesn’t go away until you take a tablet. My own fault for forgetting to put the prescription in, I suppose…

Add to that, the pain in my lower abdomen that won’t go away and the Doctors can’t find a reason for.

They’re blaming IBS. I have had IBS for eight years, I know what it feels like and the pain is there, even when I am not having a spasm, but because they can’t see anything inside my bowel, they still blame the IBS. I've got to have blood tests next...

*sighs painfully*

Mentally, I am having a terrible day. I went for a job interview on Friday. It was one of those jobs that the Government made up to get people off benefit and the funding has been cut to the programme, so that was my last chance for those jobs.

I heard from the department I went to, this morning.  They have taken on someone more suitable for the job.

Never mind it wasn’t the job that I went for in the first place, or that I could have walked out when I realised that fact and stayed because it sounded like an interesting job to do.  I did my best to win them over and left the interview thinking that I was unlikely to get it, but hoping I did.

I hope that the person that did get it was an IT trained professional at least. That way I would be happy that someone deserving got it.  If some teenager with no proper experience in IT, other than playing games and mucking around on the net, got it , then I would be incredibly angry.

*Sighs unhappily*

I feel useless. In fact there is one song that pretty much sums me up today –

Creep by Radiohead

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out again
She's running out
She runs runs, runs

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here

I feel like I don’t deserve to be on this planet. I’m useless as a teacher (according to my references from the last school I worked in), I can’t even get a simple admin or retail position and my writing has lost its sparkle.

On that last point, I feel like I can’t write anything. I started a rhyming children's story about Christmas last week.  It isn’t going anywhere. I left it alone and did some crafting.  When I tried again, it still didn’t work, so I went back to my knitting.

Yes, before you point it out, I know I am writing this – I’m talking about writing fiction not feelings…

Currently there doesn’t seem to be much hope for any of my careers at the moment. I can’t write, so I won’t get published.  My webzine is obviously so stupid that no one wants to submit anything unless I badger them (and I hate nagging anyone), so I might as well get rid of it.  I can’t Teach or get any job.  All I can really do is whinge and moan… 

*sighs*

By tomorrow I should be feeling better (I’ll get the tablets this afternoon and take one as soon as I can) and I hope everything will be back to normal.  So if you managed to get to the end of this pity-fest, this lack-of-self-confidence party, this depressing and stupid waste of megabytes, I applaud you for your tenacity and thank you for your friendship.  ‘Coz only a true friend would even read past the poem.

Excuse me, I’m going to go and lie down…

*Walks away in a wobbly fashion, in search of chocolate.*

Edit:  Same day; 9pm...

I've had my tablet and the world has lightened to a dull grey. I've managed to get some sort of stomach bug that is making me feel really yuck. I do hope that I feel better tomorrow...

Warning - Moaning Person alert, avoid if you want to...

It's strange how self confidence can suddenly drop out or speed up, especially when you're depressed.

For the last couple of weeks, I'd been feeling a little better about myself. I have a job (well sort of - Freelance Copywriting) and my writing was going well - I've had stories published in three different anthologies recently... (see my website for details!)

I was feeling fairly confident.

Then tonight, I watched "How to Look Good Naked". Don't get me wrong, I adore Gok Wan, his advice has helped no end when I've decided to sort out my wardrobe - I consult his books all the time.

Tonight, it was about a lady who thought she looked thin and boyish, so she hid herself in her clothes. As usual, Gok persuaded her to see herself in a different light by the end of the (5 weeks) show and even though I was happy for her, glad that the lady felt happy with her body... it depressed me no end.

I don't look at myself in the mirror anymore. If I do, I have to be stood up or my mood hits the bottom of the trough really quickly. It doesn't matter how much I follow what Gok says, I look at myself and see a dumpy, fat woman.

A while back, I'd lost a fair bit of weight. I was just under thirteen stone at the beginning of the year.

Well I've put it all back on.

I stopped going to Slimming World because I couldn't afford to pay £5 per week. I didn't stop watching what I ate though and I was still exercising, so the weight pretty much stayed off. Then in April, TOH lost his job. He started junk stuffering because he was depressed and I followed along with him - I'm not sure why.

I stopped walking the kids to school; he would drive us every day. I stopped doing my exercise because I don't like being watched - Normally I exercise on my own or I go to a Gym, or the Pool or a class (other people are too busy with themselves to watch you) - I hate it when someone sits there and watches me exercise (I wouldn't get a personal trainer either) it makes me feel so self conscious.

The weight crept back. My stomach started having problems again (the pain has never totally left, but it was bearable) all of a sudden, I can't eat anything healthy without having really painful gut problems. I went to the doctor and he sent me for tests...

I'm hiding again. I hide behind my physical problems, I hide behind TOH's problems, I hide behind the title of "Mummy"... Most of all, I hide in my Writing. I hide because I can't bear to look at myself, I can't look myself in the eye.

I know that most of this is in my mind. It's my lack of self confidence, lack of will power, whatever you call it, I don't have it. It's the root of my depression. I feel useless and fall into the cycle of thinking "It would all be better if..."

I've read all the things about how to defeat depression. I know what I am supposed to do to lose weight, to look good for myself and my family. Yet I can't do them...

I'm so far down the depression scale, I might as well be underground.

Normally when I'm depressed, I stuff chocolate, cake... anything that usually makes me feel better. But at the moment? I look at the packet of Choc Digestives in the cupboard and feel ill. The flapjacks and carrot cake just doesn't draw me. Nothing tastes right, I eat because I have to - I don't enjoy it. I don't want to eat.

Where can I go from here?

Well, I can go further down. That way lies death - not an option. I might be depressed, but that would mean I wouldn't care about anything or anyone and I still care for my children and TOH.

I can sit here and wallow for a bit. It won't make me feel better - it never does when I am this far into the dark. But I have to wait... wait for the rope to come dangling down the tunnel to pull me out. What it'll be, I don't know. When it'll happen... well, picture me shrugging, coz I have no idea.

I'll wait - help is out there and will be coming for me, I just have to hold onto that hope.

Hmmm - I look like a Jelly! DO - OVER!

I weighed myself the other day. I had to do a double take at the read out - 13st 11lbs! EEk!

First came Denial - "I couldn't possibly weigh that much"

Then Anger - "I can't weigh that much! It's not fair!"

Then Shifting Blame - "It's all TOH's fault, him and his insistence on driving everywhere."

Then I thought about it a bit more and got Depressed - "It's my fault for not being in control of what I put in my mouth. I'm sooo stupid!"

After a day of ignoring it and stuffing myself with comfort food, I went to bed and slept on it.

When I woke up this morning, Acceptance had set in. I looked at myself in the mirror. I look like a badly set jelly. I don't mind the stretchmarks, but I wish they weren't so noticeable. It's my arms and thighs that I hate the most - they look like a 50 year old's and I'm only 35 this year!

So I gave the kids their breakfast, made TOH a cup of tea in bed and got out the exercise kit.

I decided to try something new.

Belly Dancing.

I have a Belly Dancing DVD - I've had it for ages and this morning, I thought it was about right. Gentle enough to not hurt and energetic enough to burn some calories.

I was sweating like a pig by the time I got half way through and that was mostly from trying to hold the basic posture - I wasn't even aware that I had abs until I had to suck the flab in!

I did an hour of the basic moves and then ten minutes of a Cindy Crawford DVD as a cool down. I will probably ache all over tomorrow...

But I feel good about myself for the first time since I was rejected at the job interview. I didn't realise quite how badly that rejection had knocked me down. That's the thing with Depression, you see, you become very good at putting on a good face for other people.

Sometimes that helps, because if you are smiling on the outside, it works its way inside. But it also hinders. I find that I sometimes find that I hide how I am feeling from myself as well and it's only when I pull up out of the trough, that I realise how bad I was feeling.

For the past 2 weeks, I have been at the bottom of a trough. I haven't looked after myself at all. My hair was grungy, I was wearing horrible clothes and even when I went out, I looked bad. My mood has been horrendous and I've actually felt ill.

After exercising this morning, I had a shower. I scrubbed and rubbed and cleansed myself from top to toe.

It felt good.

I slathered on body lotion and did my face properly. I dried and styled my hair. And suddenly I knew I'd been slumped at the bottom of a depressive trough.

Between them, the scales and the exercise had been instrumental in picking me up again. I can smile again without it being forced or feel uncomfortable on my face, like an ill fitting Swimming Costume.

So right here and now, I'm calling a Do - Over.

I'm not aiming for a Bikini Body. I don't want to run a marathon or take part in a Triathlon (Way too much work involved to get that fit) but I do want to tone up and get rid of the one thing which has been the bane of my life for the past ten years.

Depression!

I am fed up with the mood slumps, the negativity and the self destruction. I am fed up with being someone who isn't fit for any kind of job at all. I want to be me again.